This morning, environment minister and former shell employee Liz Truss decided to bash solar panels.

From her perspective, it is a sensible thing to do. Solar Panels are a new thing. Traditional Tory voters generally don’t like new things, and since the aim of the pre-election game is to bash things that traditional Tory voters don’t like, it’s time to get out the Solar Panel flogging stick.

There was also some rather odd chat about apples, which was amusing.

Anyway this is rather amusing for someone like me (and @jobium): who are paid by the UK government to develop technology for solar energy, so here’s a list of things that, having gone to the countryside like 4 times (rubbish coffee* and no 4G, don’t bother) that are a hell of a lot uglier out there than solar farms.

1) People spraying literal crap everywhere

People spraying shit everywhere
You might think I’d make a joke about the Tory party underneath a picture of a juggernaut spraying turds over the UK, instead I went meta… edgy.

Have you ever been to the countryside? It smells literally of poo.

Do you know what crystaline silicon smells like? No, you don’t. Because it doesn’t smell.

PV-solar-farm
I can’t work out if those people are photoshopped in but judging by the fact that they didn’t photoshop the huge fly off the lens in the bottom right, I guess not.

2) Industrial Farms

uk-thanet-earth_src_5

This is Thanet Earth, a farm in Kent. IT’S REALLY UGLY. Liz sez we want to preserve our beautiful countryside and increase it’s efficiency to be World Leading. Here’s the thing: if you want to have a really efficient farming sector it’s gotta be industrialised, and that means greenhouses the size of small town.

solar_farm_with_sheep_--_Lightsource_Renewable_Energy

Meanwhile, check this bad-boy out: it’s a solar farm and a kebab farm at the same time! THAT’S INCREDIBLY EFFICIENT USE OF LAND.

3) Oil seed rape

field-of-yellow4
Whenever I see this shit I get “Yellow” by Coldplay stuck in my head and it makes me angrier.

Never ending fields of this gross yellow bullshit. The French get row upon row of beautiful glorious sunflowers, we get this ugly pollen spewing crap that makes your eyes sting.

panels and sheep compressed

Check this out, more dual use land. Not just square miles of gooey yellow crap that doesn’t taste nearly as nice when it’s wrapped in a pita and slathered in chilli sauce on a Friday night.

4) Pylons

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

So i admit this is an argument I’m actually borrowing from pro-wind farm people who trot out pylons when people complain that windfarms are ugly: there are pylons everywhere. They’re about as aesthetically pleasing as George Osborne’s cheeks. They’ve just been there for a long while so you don’t notice them anymore. You’ll get over solar and wind farms too.

_70875915_70875914
Hey look it’s not just sheep that can graze near solar panels, other animals can too!

5) Large industrial sites

 didcot-coal-power-station

Growing up where I was, Didcot powerstation was always pretty big on the horizon. Vast areas of the countryside are dedicated to huge ugly things. Actually, seeing as i’m bringing up Didcot, let’s take a look at how that’s doing today.

Didcot Power Station-1Oh yes hang on it’s literally on fire.

5268446-largeI think I’d rather chill with these sheep.

For the sake of counter-argument, here’s a delightful blog called “Solar Destruction In Cornwall” that has had me chuckling for the last 20 minutes.

*{update} I have since been informed of several excellent independent coffee shops in Derbyshire, Yorkshire and rural Staffordshire, and am thus redacting my previous statement. H/T to Andy Roast for the correction.

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